...and I fascinate myself when I'm alone.

Senior year is coming and going. It is impossible to me that it is nearly thanksgiving and I have no assurance of where I will be at this time next year. Scary, invigorating, so much potential. Yet, I find myself having a truly difficult time embracing what I have now--something about this place does that to me. I don't know if I am just destined to be a big city girl or what, but Champaign suffocates me. It is too familiar, not adventurous enough-- perhaps some of this is caused because of my own actions and not making the very most out of my experience here, but at the same time, I feel like if being here is what it took for me to have the year I just did, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. It's just hard to think of the large picture when the day to day monotony has become so difficult.

But, the next chapter is not far off. While I am painfully aware that surroundings, people, experiences will be entirely different next year, at the same time I know it is precisely what is needed. I most certainly have grown throughout college, but I think the most enlightening experiences were those that I was forced to endure in entirely uncomfortable and new surroundings. Undoubtedly, there are so many things that I owe to those experiences and people no matter how difficult or different they might have been at the time: I can remember thinking back to my time in DC last fall and feeling so lonely in that apartment of 3 other girls. I didn't really feel like I bonded with anyone... but it forced me to seek out new experiences, to learn things on my own... and it gave me a lot of personal time to reflect. Though it may not be apparent, there are internal changes that I know took place during that time--patience, optimism, clarity of mind--things that I can recognize in myself now but not in the same intensity so much so that I almost long for that discomfort back so that I can achieve those feelings at the same level again.

Simply, I suppose that I must wonder whether it is better to undergo difficulties, to venture into the unknown for the sake of vivification but risk the discomfort of an experience not working out as planned or anticipated, or if it is better to remain in the comforts of those who you love, and love you and cherish each moment you have with them, enjoy the qualities that you love in them, and let that be enough to bring contentment. I know not whether I will find what I am looking for if I move somewhere unfamiliar again, but it is almost worse to think that I missed that feeling of being alive for something that was initially more comfortable.

Afoot and light-hearted, I take to the open road,
Healthy, free, the world before me,
The long brown path before me, leading wherever I choose.
-Walt Whitman